Rebekah Lucy Loves To Conversate

I'm rather fortunate to know a number of witty women. In The Technology Age I (sadly) probably converse with them via electronic means more regularly than I do in person, but the upside of that is the veritable treasure trove of ridiculous conversations and quotes which I have been able to store at my fingertips.

Out of context some of these become perhaps even more amusing and / or ridiculous and / or creepy. I periodically email them to myself so I have a record, and now that I have this here blog thingymajig, I have somewhere to post them. It's only been a couple of months and this thing is paying for itself already. *claps hands together with glee. (*doesn't really.)

These are some of my favourite recent and slightly-less-recent moments in conversationalism.

Enjoy.

Dealing with a hangover. "Attempt to wander to manicure shop. Get lost. Eventually find it. Get manicure while staring blankly at Harry Potter – realise I have never seen it and announce to Annalies that I do not think it is appropriate for children. Sit with hands under dryer for as long as possible."

Maturity eludes us. "Just had team meeting. Sulked. Pulled faces. Got defensive. Turning 30 has really matured me."

Biscuits and broken toes. "I'm eating crack cookies and contemplating the quickest way to chop my toe off." / "Want me to be like Kathy Bates in Misery and smash your feet up?" / "That'd be great, ta."

Hitching a ride. "Basically we were doing like 50km down the road and he was still stuck to the car not letting go. If I was honest I'd have to say one of my top five highlights in London."

The Barbican Centre is confusing. "Yes. Please come to my flat at the Barbican Centre for a drink. Good luck finding it, of course, but please do come."

This might be a bit racist? "Do they have a Traveller Range? Imagine it smells like pikey flatmates who find your shoes under the ironing board, paint out the pink girly bits and start wearing them?"

Something smells. "Could be someone making some prison wine? Anyone missing their socks?"

We should get on to that asap. "I haven’t had a Creoles evening in the longest time." / "Me neither! I’m really jonesing for one."

Get help. "Like, I’m the girl who buys a bottle of wine at the bar and gets two glasses ‘cause she’s too ashamed to admit she really just bought it for herself."

Research. "I Wiki’d fairy bread and it is indigenous to NZ and Australia."

Must. Resist. The. Bieber. "But the child is tinchy right? Nothing reduces my lady-boner like a short man. Must remember this. Must not be attracted to teen sensation Justin Bieber."

Bargain hunting. "Now, I am one for a bargain - but there is a bargain and then there is stealing your female flatmates shoes."

Re: Lurpak. "It is like a butter but not. (I can’t believe it’s not). (Maybe it actually is?)"

Recruitment. "He’s a bit slack and as Shaun says he has a Superman haircut so I don’t really know if he can be trusted."

Once Were Warriors. "No more going back to houses after pub has closed. Or even if pub is still open. Only house to return to is mine. Jake Heke invited the pub back to his house once, "party back at my place boys," and look what happened. Nek minnit "Uncle farkin Bully!" No good can from this. New rule, pub closes = go home. Simple."

Crocodile hunting. "Also - I just caught myself thinking 'I wonder what Bindi Irwin is up to lately.' And the answer is growing up into an attractive young lady. Well done her."

Weight gain. "Aids bro. Must be."

Cute tattoos. "Would you get my name? You would, wouldn't you? Gross. What would you get? If you got one?" / "Probably something adorable like a polka dot bow or a love heart wearing a hat or two otters holding hands." (Erica knows cute. You should read her blog for more gems. And... rants. Yep.)

Eyebrows. "I reckon they’re probably quite fetching on some people but I’m not really down for shaving my brows off funnily enough. (Or am I?)"

Good luck. "Legs crossed for ya!" / "First time for everything I guess."

Sooooo skinny. "I swear my left wrist has lost weight. So… screw you scales."

Woof. "I am squished within an inch today. Puppies around my neck."

Safety first. "Re: safe word, I vote CUSTOMISED KITTEN SHOE BOX. Thoughts?" / "I concur."

I hope this didn't actually happen. "Jeff said he’s pretty sure I grabbed some woman in the next booth to us and moved her round like a puppet. Maybe I thought I was playing Cranium."

When correspondence goes bad. "She's probably working on a mail merge as we speak. Check your post." / "Mail merge! Do they still exist?" / "Just checked Word. Yup. There's a whole dedicated tab in 2010. I might send out a chain letter. People love those."

Personal grooming. "Yesterday I had this epiphany that I should start putting more effort in to my appearance. And today I am working from home in my pyjamas. So... going well so far, obviously."

Skulls and whirly vortexes. "Maybe it's because I wore denim shorts and Doc Martens to our meeting. I was going for an East London look but maybe it was interpreted as an East Hades look." / "I hear East Hades is nice this time of year."

Home haircuts are a bad idea. Especially at 3am. Drunk. "Hey Nat, remember that time LP gave you a 3am haircut with orange-handled paper scissors from such childhood memories as primary school? I think we should all thank our lucky stars that it didn't turn out like this <*inserts link to image of Miley Cyrus, post-hack>"

Doomed at trackpants. "Jail aside, that boy is wearing trackpants in his whatsapp profile pic. I want a divorce."

Business masterminds. "I will return the favour at some stage (hint: it’s a kitten… in a customised shoebox)." / "I would like the scratchiest model please." / "I have been training them. They now say Reeeow and Gnngghhrrr." / "How many did you get? I believe, as the business model is fool proof, one million kitten units should probably cover us for the first month?" / "I have rounded up two stray cats and have them locked in your room downstairs with a tin of tuna, a Barry White CD on loop, some candles and an extra large shoebox. Am expecting delivery of kittens any day now." / "And when I get that feelin’, I want meow meow meow meow. I expect you’ll either get kittens or a fire brigade call out."

All roads lead here. "Bacon sammy done. There's a surprise. Why aren't I skinny? Oh yeah. All roads lead to bacon." / "You should get that on a t-shirt or a decorative throw pillow or something."

Dane Rumble on my mind. "I had a dream about him once. It was weird. He was auditioning people for a video clip outside my parents house - making them walk up and down the footpath."

We're bilingual. "Ki tonu taku waka topaki i te tuna."

Not racist at all. "I started randomly phoning people the other night at Michelle's and saying I was on the search for panko breadcrumbs (while talking in an Indian accent)."

Modern friendships. "So he @ tagged me and I @ tagged him back and now I figure we're actually bffs."

Baking. "I also ate the last Anzac biscuit. The paper came off easier now that the biscuit was aged. It's true what they (you) say: sweet goods really do come in to their own when left to stand for 24 / 48 / 72 / 96 hours."

Ah, good times.